Harley and Ivy: I'm Dreaming of a Green Christmas
by J-Six
Summary: Will a certain someone get what they really want this Christmas? femslash, yuri, girlxgirl


Disclaimer: I do not own nor am I affiliated with Batman or any related characters.

Author's Notes: This story takes place in the Bruce Timm universe and not the regular D.C. universe.

**Harley and Ivy: I'm Dreaming of a Green Christmas**

It was Christmas Eve, and it was snowing at the Happy Meadows Christmas Tree Farm on the outskirts of Gotham City. The snow came down on top of the heads of Batman, the second Robin, Tim Drake, and Clyde Owens, the owner of the farm. They weren't able to move it out their faces as it piled up, though. Each of them were currently on the ground of the Christmas tree "sales floor," bound in what Harley Quinn referred to as a "Chinese body-trap."

Apparently, it was her take on the classic, Chinese finger trap. Instead of covering two fingers, the woven material covered the entire human body with only the head and the feet being free. Any effort to escape would only cause the material to become tighter and more constricting until the pressure became so painful that movement was impossible.

Looming over them was Harley Quinn, who had ensnared the three prisoners. She was wearing her usual black and red jester's costume and white face paint, but also had on a fur coat due to the cold weather. Standing next to her was her red-headed, green-skinned partner, Poison Ivy, who also wore a coat.

Ivy spoke, "Every year, all these innocent trees are sacrificed for this ridiculous bastardization of a pagan holiday. So while I was developing my new mutating growth formula, I thought up the perfect irony. I will bring these slain trees back from the dead and then sacrifice you to them."

"You'll never get away with this, Isley," Batman said.

"Hey, no one told you to speak, Bats," Harley said before she bludgeoned him in the head again with her over-sized mallet. Batman grunted in pain before he resumed scowling at the two. Robin and the farm's owner, already having been beaten pretty severely, didn't dare to say anything.

Ivy then held out a large bottle rocket in front of her prisoners. "Even though this is Christmas Eve, I thought I would have a little 4th of July today too."

"_Ooooh_, I love fire-works!" Harley said giddily, jumping up and down.

Ivy went on, "Inside the tip of this bottle rocket is my mutating growth formula. Once this rocket explodes in the air, my formula will rain down on all these murdered trees. The formula is specifically designed only to affect the DNA of deceased fir trees. It will cause them to come back to life, grow, change in new, hideous ways, and gain a new found taste for blood."

Harley walked over with a bucket. "Here ya go, chums." She then dumped thick, bloody chum onto the heads of each of the captives.

"I'd wish you an un-merry Christmas, Batman, but chances are you won't live that long." Ivy set the stake attached to the rocket into the snow and then lit its wick with a cigarette lighter. "Come on, Harley, let's go!" The two women ran back further into the Christmas tree farm and disappeared into the endless rows of fir trees planted into the ground. Their destination was the getaway car parked on a country road some distance back.

A few seconds later, the bottle-rocket whizzed into the air and exploded. Following the crackling of green fire-works, drops of liquid rained down on the Christmas trees. A disturbing metamorphosis then took place. The trees began expanding to monstrous size, their sawed off trunks grew spider-like legs, their needle like leaves became razor sharp, their branches stretched into long, flailing tentacles, and each of their trunks developed huge, crooked smiles with jagged teeth.

While all of this was occurring, Batman had been slowly sawing away at the "Chinese body-trap" from the inside with the edge of his Batarang. Finally, he cut through and was able to rip off the rest of Harley's trap, but his escape was a second too late. One of the trees swooped down with its tentacle and caught him. He was then thrown into the tree's mouth and swallowed alive.

Realizing they were not being pursued due to the masked heroes and the mutant trees being too preoccupied with each other, Harley and Ivy's sprinting slowed down to a stroll. The tall evergreen trees, the slowly falling snow, the setting sun, and the occasional, freakish screams from the background created a very romantic atmosphere for the two partners in crime.

"I did good, right, Red? No screw-ups or nuthin'."

"Yes, you did good, Harley. I'm really proud of you."

Harley couldn't have looked happier. "You are?"

"Yes."

"Then how about some sugar, sugar?"

"Oh, I think you definitely earned some," she said as she turned her head and pushed her lip deep into Harley's for a nice, long kiss. They finally pulled them back apart some time later.

"You're such a good kisser, Red. Much better than you know who."

"I'm better at everything than him."

"You got that right." She then took Ivy's arm in her arms as they walked along through the beautiful scenery. "_I'm so lucky_," she said as she bent her head down and nuzzled it into Ivy's shoulder. "The Christmas trees are so pretty, don'cha think?"

"Those are Abies balsamea or more commonly, The Balsam Fir. They only become Christmas trees when those blood-thirsty barbarians chop them down."

"Well, they're still Christmas trees to me."

Finally, they had made it back to the get-away car, a pink convertible with the roof up and a license plate reading, "Rose Bud II." Harley went to the driver's side and Ivy came over to the passenger's side. On the way, Ivy kicked something with her foot. She looked down and saw it was a pine-cone. She looked back over at Harley, who still hadn't got in the car and was staring at the snow falling on the trees, mesmerized like a little child. Ivy then reached down, took the pine cone, and put it in one of her coat-pockets. She got in the car, Harley followed, and they drove off back to their hide-out.

Several hours had passed, and Ivy was back in their hideout curled up in a blanket and watching tv. Their mutated Christmas tree plan had made big news, and all the coverage about how hard of a time they had given Batman was amusing her very much. She was, however, beginning to wonder when Harley was coming back. She had suddenly left some time ago with little explanation as to where she was going.

Finally, she heard that familiar voice again. "Hi, honey, I'm home!" Harley, in costume, announced, entering through the large green-house which was behind their relatively small living quarters. She had liked doing that recently because it was so warm in there and so cold outside.

"Hey, baby."

"Boy, was it freezin' out there, _brrrrrrrrrr,_" she said as she put her coat on the rack.

"Well, then come get under this blanket with me. I can't have you getting a cold."

"Oooh, that sounds nice."

"But first would you pour me a mug of my herbal tea? It's been heating up on the stove. I also made you some hot-chocolate. It's in the kettle next to it."

"Wow, thanks, Pammie!"

First, Harley went to their bathroom, washed off her white makeup in the sink, and dried her face off in a towel. She then went over to her closet, which wasn't that far away from the couch, and slowly stripped off her costume until she was completely nude. Ivy ogled the whole exhibition intently as was Harley's wish. Harley threw her costume in a hamper. She then took one of her long t-shirts off a hanger, which she then dropped over her head and pulled down her curvy chest.

She went to the stove and poured the hot liquid into mugs, came to the couch, and handed Ivy her tea. Ivy then lifted up the blanket, inviting her in. Harley got under it and snuggled into her, and they both cuddled under the blanket while they sipped their warm drinks and watched the news.

The female anchor on the tv spoke grimly, "The battle between Batman and Robin and the mutant Christmas trees at the Happy Meadows Christmas Tree Farm has now been raging on for six hours. It has yet to be confirmed, but the suspected master-mind behind this plot is believed to be Pamela Isley. Isley is known more infamously by her alias, Poison Ivy, an insane eco-terrorist with an incredible talent for bioengineering plant-life. Isley and her partner in crime, Harleen Quinzel, also known as Harley Quinn, escaped from Arkham Asylum for the Criminally Insane eight months ago. So far the battle between the caped crusaders and the mutant Christmas trees has been hard fought. Our helicopter has alone recorded seven different instances where Batman was swallowed alive by the hideous trees before he broke back out of their wooden innards. We will play that footage now. It has undoubtedly been a long Christmas Eve for the Dark Knight."

The footage of Batman being repeatedly eaten by the tree-monsters played like a blooper reel. Harley and Ivy laughed hysterically at it before giving each other a high-five.

"Merry freakin' Christmas, Batman!" Ivy yelled.

"And happy new year, chump!" Harley added. They both laughed heartily again. "Wow, Red, your plan worked great, you criminal master-mind, you."

"Why thank you," she said before they locked eyes and enjoyed a short celebration kiss. "So what were you doing in town this late?"

"Just some last minute Christmas shopping," she said, giving a Cheshire grin.

"In your costume?"

"What, you didn't expect me to pay for it did you?"

"No, of course not... Anything for me?" Ivy asked, leaning in close and running her fingers through Harley's blonde strands.

"_Hmmmm... I dunno,_ you'll just have to wait until tomorrow morning to see," she said playfully.

"We have breaking news," the anchor said. Both Harley and Ivy turned their attention back to the tv. "Apparently, there has been even more criminal activity in Gotham City tonight. A robbery has occurred in the green-house at the Gotham Botanical Gardens. The item stolen was an extremely rare flower, Heliconia ribai, or by it's unscientific name, the Purple Claw. This is believed to be one of the last flowers of this species in existence due to its native rain forest being cleared recently. As such, the value of the flower to collectors is believed to be in the millions."

"Well what do ya know?" Harley asked ironically. She then looked over at Ivy and saw that she was absolutely infuriated.

"That was the last Heliconia ribai in the world. Only I know about the healing properties of its petals and have the skill to put them to use. That flower should have belonged to me! I can't believe someone stole if it for mere greed!"

"Well, what if someone stole it because they thought they could give it a better home and give it to someone who would love and take care of it."

"Ha! Like any human being genuinely cares about the well-being of innocent plant life. First its beautiful rain forest is destroyed all for profit, and now the last of its kind is stolen for nothing more than selfish greed. I swear, when I find out who did this, I'll kill them!"

Harley laughed nervously. "Maybe you shouldn't go that far."

"If it was Two-Face, I'll rip him in two! If it was Catwoman, I'll grind her into cat-food! If it was Scarecrow, I'll impale him and put him in the middle of a corn field!"

"Red, please don't get so mad."

"Why not? This is an outrage!"

"_Because it's the night before Christmas._ I know Christmas isn't a big deal to you, because of the tree thing, but it used to be a big thing for me. And almost every year, Mista J used to get so mad on Christmas eve, he would stomp on all the presents and tear down the Christmas tree I spent all that time putting up... _those poor trees,_" she lamented looking like she was close to tears.

"Well... _all right,_" she said sounding calmer. Harley was the only one who could quell the fiery red-head's rage. "I guess we'll just have to deal with this later, I suppose. Just please stop talking about the clown. I hate hearing about that disgusting bastard."

"K," she said, snuggling back into Ivy who held her tightly. They stayed like that, sharing each other's warmth, for some time. "Red, I remember, when we first got together, you didn't like cuddlin' so much."

"I guess it grew on me."

"Did I grow on you too?"

"Like an unrelenting moss," she said, playing with her hair, "but can we do this in the bed? I am pretty tired. I was up all last night working on that formula."

"Sure thing, Red." Both girls got up and made their way towards the bed which wasn't that far away in their cozy hide-out. However, just before Ivy got into bed, Harley said, "But you can't go asleep _just yet._"

"And why's that?" she asked, arching her eye brow.

"Well, my mama always told me you have to finish eating your greens."

Ivy snickered at the cheap joke. She then moved the two straps of her violet, silk nighty to the side of her shoulders, allowing it to slide down the contours of her shapely, green body and to the floor, leaving her completely nude. "Well, then come get your greens, Harley."

"Yes, mam!" Harley pounced on Ivy, pushing her into the bed, and they mashed their lips and bodies together savagely.

Sometime later, both women were under the covers, eyes closed. Harley had her arms wrapped around Ivy's waist snugly. It had become her habit to sleep with Ivy like she was her teddy bear. Ivy had protested initially, but she eventually became used to it and now admitted she enjoyed the closeness. Finally, Ivy heard the beginning of Harley's loud, whimpering snores. Her snoring was something else that took getting used to. It was once the source of much annoyance, but now she didn't mind it so much. It was almost cute to her.

Ivy moved to get out of the bed, but stopped when Harley spoke. "Wow, Red, you make one hot Eskimo," she said dreamily before she started snoring again. Ivy tried hard not to giggle. Her dream induced sleep-talking could sometimes be quite hilarious. Ivy reached behind her head and grabbed her pillow. Carefully, she maneuvered her way out of Harley's grasp and quickly put the pillow in her arms in place. Harley tightened her grip around the pillow and emitted a pleasurable moan before she started snoring again.

Now out of bed, Ivy opened the drawer below their night-stand and removed the pine-cone she had placed there earlier. Still nude, she made her way through the dark from their living quarters over to the green house. She flipped on the switch to the U.V. lights, and suddenly it was as if she was surrounded by a thick, South American jungle. Near the light switch was a tool rack, and from it she took a trowel. She then walked down a path through all the rare and beautiful trees, flowers, and shrubbery, until she was in front of one bare patch of grass she had been saving. She took the trowel, and used the tool's metal scoop to dig out a small hole. She then dropped in the pine-cone and covered it back over.

Ivy then walked over to the opposite side of the green house where there was a work bench covered with racks of test-tubes, flasks, a microscope, and lots of expensive bioengineering equipment, all stolen of course. She took one small test-tube and stared at it. It contained the same liquid concoction she had used to mutate those dead Fir trees earlier that day. Her mind raced, thinking about how she could alter it.

Several hours later, Harley Quinn felt a weird, ticklish sensation on her nose. She tried brushing whatever it was off, but it was no good. Her nose continued to tickle. She opened her eyes to see Ivy's beautiful, green face inches away as well as the leaf she had been using to rouse her. "Good morning, Harl."

"Is it Christmas morning?" she asked with big eyes.

"No, it's Halloween."

"Yay, it's Christmas!" she exclaimed as she forcibly grabbed Ivy and rolled around the bed with her several times. "Merry Christmas, Red!" she yelled before she showered her grimacing face with kisses.

"Would you stop? You haven't even seen your gift yet."

"Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! Wha'cha get me? Wha'cha get me? Wha'cha get me? Wha'cha get me?" She asked, hopping up and down on the bed.

"Shut up and maybe I'll show you." Harley shut up. She then lead Harley to the green house and to where a very large Balsam Fir now towered all the way to the glass ceiling. It was covered in silver and gold garland, flashing, red and green Christmas lights, and a gold star placed on the top. She had spent some time trying to find a store open in the wee hours of Christmas morning to find those decorations before she resorted to breaking into a store to steal them. "I spent all night on it. I hope you like it."

Harley looked like she was in absolute disbelief. "But you said you would never get one. Not in a million years. Not over your dead body. You said you hated them," she said as she wiped a tear from her eye.

"I do hate them," Ivy said, "but I decided if it was a living tree, for you, it would be ok."

"It's alive?" she asked shocked. She then looked under it to see the trunk was planted firmly into the ground. "_Wooow_, I've never had a real, live Christmas tree before. How did you get it in here?"

"I took my mutating growth formula, removed the mutagen from it, and altered the rate of growth it produced. I then planted a pine-cone, and put a couple drops of the formula over the soil."

"I'm so happy!" she yelled as she charged at Ivy who yelped before she was tackled to the ground. "This is the best present anyone has ever given me! Thank you so much, Red! I love it! I love it! I love it!"

"I'm glad you liked it," Ivy said gently wiping the tears from Harley's eyes.

"Now it's your turn for your gift!" Harley shot up from her arms and ran far back into green house to retrieve what she had hidden behind a bush last night. She returned a few seconds later holding a pot containing a certain very rare, purple, claw-shaped flower.

"The Heliconia ribai!" Ivy was genuinely surprised. "So you're the one who stole it, but the security on this flower was supposed to be incredibly tight!"

"I know. It was kinda risky, but I was extra careful not to be caught."

"I had really been wanting to study this," she said, eyeing the flower excitedly.

Harley giggled. "I know."

"Thank you so much, dear. I couldn't have asked for a better gift." She kissed Harley on the cheek and then went to set the potted flower down on her work bench.

As soon as she turned around, Harley was there, pressing up against Ivy and wrapping her arms around her. "So I really wanted a Christmas tree, and I got that, but I was thinking there's one more gift that I really wanted this Christmas."

"Oh, and what's that?" Ivy asked.

"It has Christmas colors."

"Oh, does it now?"

"Yeah, it's red and green and has a really nice ass," she said, placing her hand on Ivy's butt and giving it a nice rub. "Can you guess what it is?"

"I dunno, Harley. _What is red and greed and has a really nice ass?_" she asked, rolling her eyes.

"My Poison Oakey."

Ivy could barely hold back her grin now, but she still tried to play it off, "I thought I told you, I don't like that name."

"Then why are you blushing so much, my Poison Oakey?" she asked as she moved her finger in little circles around the area of her soft, green cheeks that we're now blossoming rose red.

"You should be glad it's Christmas, or I would never let you get away with this," she said, trying very hard to frown.

Harley giggled. "I know, and I know I can get away with this too." She opened the palm of her hand to show Ivy the mistletoe she had been hiding. She then held it above their heads.

"You gotta be kidding me, Harl."

"But it's plastic, so I didn't have to hurt no plants or nuthin'. Come on, _pleeeeeeease_?"

Finally, Ivy's defenses had been cracked, and she was smiling widely now. "You're so corny, you know that?"

"Yeah, but you still love me right?"

"Guilty as charged," she said before she sunk her lips deep into Harley's, and they both enjoyed a very long kiss and a wonderful Christmas together.

**The End**

**Epilogue**

In the cavernous master bedroom of Wayne Manor lay Bruce Wayne in his bed. Determined that he must still bring Poison Ivy and Harley Quinn to justice, he moved to get out of bed. Immediately, he doubled over from the pain shooting up from his bandaged ribs.

His faithful butler, Alfred, scurried over to put his hands on his shoulders. "Now, Master Bruce, you must remain still to let your wounds heal. I'm dreadfully sorry, but the two villainesses will have to wait. Trying to capture them now will only result in your re-injury. Is that clear, Master Bruce?"

Bruce's only answer was to grunt disdainfully before he laid back down.

Alfred returned a few minutes later with a silver tray which he placed on Bruce's night-stand. "Here, I brought you some warm eggnog and Christmas cookies. Sir, please do try to relax and enjoy the rest of your Christmas holiday."

Bruce looked at the plate of cookies of differing shapes and colors that Alfred had baked. Immediately, his eyes centered on one particular green cookie shaped like a Christmas tree. The cookie then flew across the room and to the wall where it shattered into a hundred crumbs.


End file.
